SIXTEEN: WHY I WAS SHY DIARIES
Dear diary, when you think of attractive people you
automatically assume they are confident and in control of their lives. Boy were
we wrong. This society is odd. In my high school days we thought all the
preppies and jocks were full of oozing high self-esteem. Sure, many respected
themselves. But, there were jocks and preps who lacked confidence. A girl
recently said it best to me: she was married to a good looking man who outside
of their house looked really manly and full of self-esteem. (She is now
divorced). However, at home behind closed doors the husband was a tiny, little,
insecure, childish boy LOL. Us Americans tend to believe that everyone with
model looks are full of high self-worth. It only takes a few personal stories
from women to show what us men are really like - sometimes insecure pussies who
act macho at the taverns on a Friday night. Sometimes confident men are shy
when inside their homes whining only to their wives about not getting promoted
today or the jerk neighbor who annoys him but cannot be
confronted.
SKINNY SHY
Dear diary, today online I read a bunch of old quotes from
famous celebrities amongst a few crappy reality stars. Everyone's quotes about
being shy in high school sounded predictably boring and fake. One female
reality star explained that she used to be painfully shy around hot boys. Yet,
she did not go into detail and tell us why she was shy. No girl or boy is shy
simply because that is the way they are or were born. In grade school we boys
and girls, who are shy, do believe that we were born that way and always meant
to be. Such wild thinking is false. One man summed it up best on television by
saying everyone who is shy is that way because they are embarrased about a
certain region of their body. At least this outspoken man talked about shyness
in complete truth for once. Before kindergarten I was shy due to my skinny legs
and big knees. My super thin arms kept my mouth shut from K-12. My reason for
staying quiet was for fear that if I were outgoing and talkative that some
bigger kid would get jealous of my boldness and knock be down verbally by
announcing to everyone how skinny and weak I looked. Such ideas racing into my
head had only begun right before Kindergarten. At the time I did not realize
it, but during the next ten years more excuses to keep quiet during school were
coming forth into my head.
SAVED BY THE BELL
Dear diary, another constant reminder that the skinny boy
finishes last and never dates the cheerleader is Screech on Saved By The Bell.
Screech had a crush on the preppy, very cute girl, Lisa. Yet, Lisa never wanted
to date Screech. Why? Simple. Because she was not attracted to him
physically. Girls of all ages need some kind of physical attraction from the
boys. The character of Screech did not have the good looks and was very skinny.
I think school girls would prefer to date an average looking boy more than a
thin one. Since I was skin and bones I did not want to see a Screech on
television because it would remind me of my failure of girls in school. Note: I
still watched the show because SBTB was entertaining and funny, more so than
Good Morning Miss Bliss and the college years.
SKIN AND BONES - 1991
Dear diary, sometimes while walking around in school I feel
like a dead corpse since my skinny arms and legs stand out. I am very jealous
of the average looking boys with meat on their bones, the preps, the jocks, and
the tough smokers. Many of them are of average build or have muscles. No cute
popular girl wants to date a pile of dirty, dusty, bones. If you are skinny and
cute you will not get the cheerleader. Yet, when a boy is ugly, but muscular he
has a chance at dating the elite.
PEOPLE DISLIKE SKINNY PEOPLE
Dear diary, it looks like no one likes skinny people! I hear
belittling all the time whether sitting at a bar or in class. There always has
to be someone describing a former thin classmate or co-worker that they ran into
at the grocery store as 'that really skinny tall guy' instead of describing his
eye and hair color. Or some loudmouths will call them beanpoles while
physically denouncing them in public. Thankful am I for gaining much weight
five years after my high school graduation.
RIC VS ERIC
Dear diary, this older jock had the perfect height in school.
Overall, Ric was built very good in height and weight. Ric was extremely
cocky, but at the time I did not connect the dots. Since he had model looks,
muscles, and athletic ability I simply assumed Ric was confident because he was
raised that way and most likely had outgoing parents. The father of Ric probaby
stood above the rest of his class also. I thought confidence was something a
person, like Ric, was born with. Looking back, Ric, walking with a handsome and
strong persona obviously had confidence because he never had to worry about
someone picking on his looks. I am sure if Ric looked ugly he would not have
had as much confidence. Meanwhile the words bold, outgoing, and confident never
defined me because I was super skinny and felt girly-like.
SPEECH CLASS
Dear diary, during 10th grade speech class, which
unfortunately was mandatory for all of us, I feared getting up in front of class
every single fucking time. There are two aspects to my fear of standing in
front of immature high schoolers. First, I was shy in front of class because of
my past and constant embarrasment of being skinny. I did not want my thin arms
on display for the jocks to joke about. I avoided wearing pants on speech days
because of my long, tall, thin female type legs. Second, I was always self
consious about my ears being pointed. The fear of being called Spock or an elf
raced through my mind before reaching the podium. Such worries made me shy in
front of class. At the time I simply thought I was shy because that is how God
or mother nature made me. Looking back on my three required speeches: my
worries got the best of me and won.
WORRYING IS A WASTE OF TIME - 1998
Dear diary, many people, including me, spend several hours a
week complaining how bad we look. Sometimes I would spend as much as 45 minutes
to an hour looking in the mirror. Constantly I checked my body out each day
after work in Tacoma. I would focus too much attention on my head, ears, and
arms. What I did not know is why I kept looking in the mirror all the time.
Some mirrors differed. For instance, some mirrors in shopping malls or bars
have a different light above them, making me look better. Whereas other mirrors
like mine at home made me look uglier. My reason for checking my body many
times per night was to try and confirm that I actually do look really well and
not unnatractive. Standing in different poses and areas would make me look
better, then I would feel satisfied and head out the door. I now realize that
looking in the mirror for 45 minutes a day meant that I was very insecure with
my body and mind. There are plenty of girls, ladies, and mothers that obsess
about their looks. Why would a woman spend over an hour on doing her hair
before going only to work? Such actions are a direct reflection of her
self-esteem. If you spend too much time in the mirror that means you have an
ugly addiction and need to read some self help books.
SWIMMING POOL - 2012
Dear diary, I went to the outdoor public pool today with my
cousin. I did not remove my t-shirt until right before I jumped into the pool.
When I was younger I would not even bring a t-shirt out of the locker room to
the pool, no need. But, back then I did not have a beer belly. My fat body
made me self conscious at the pool, therefore I had to cover up my upper body.
I was shy at the pool because I live in a world that judges men by their income
and body - and I was broke and fat. We see muscular men all the time on
magazines and television commercials. I can not live up to that hype. My
country puts men up on a pedastal that is hard for me to reach. I cannot have
the perfect ten body like those male actors, nor can I made $100,000 per year to
attract models. Media makes me depressed about being slightly overweight. Upon
entering social areas like swimming pools I feel anxious. Television keeps
flashing attractive images of what males ought to look like. I am depressed and
full of anxiety which results in low self-worth. Television commercials make
sure to constantly remind me of how I look. Thus, my media wants me to buy
weight loss pills that may be unhealthy for me. Yet, my media wants me to eat
fast food every day to feel good in the moment. American media is complex,
confusing, and schizophrenic, just like me.
OUTGOING STUDENTS
Dear diary, most of the boys in school who were outgoing were
muscular jocks and handsome preps. Outgoing girls were hot, or popular, or the
cheeleader preps. The shy girls were homely looking or average looking or
overweight. Now it makes sense why we kids behaved in our own funny little way.
If I was handsome, muscular, and not skinny I too would be popular and
athletic. I think everyone is supposed to have confidence in school,
yet a portion of boys and girls fear their classmates and strangers. A
person is shy because they do not want to stand out since it would then show
their flaws. Said person remains shy and in their own little comfort zone.
But, shy people pay for it later on when shyness affects one's life in future
scenarios like job interviews, college presentations, dating, sex, and marriage.
When we shy people are young our parents simply say that we will grow out of it
someday. That is a false hope and lie. As adults shy people are no longer
looked at as innocent little victims, rather they are described as socially
awkward, anti-social, and very weird.
FEMININE LOOKING MEN
Dear diary, it sucks for a man to be girly looking. A boy
who has no beard or mustache in high school and college feels less like a man.
Plus, bullies tend to pick on feminine looking boys in high school because they
look different. Some guys look older for their age and others too young for
their age. I bet all guys prefer to look older. No man wants to be seen as
girly.